Planning Ahead Is One of the Greatest Gifts You Can Leave

Planning ahead isn’t something most people enjoy talking about. It’s easy to put it off because it feels like there will always be time to think about it later. But when someone dies, the people who love them are suddenly making dozens of decisions at a time when making even one can feel overwhelming.

A little planning can change that.

Planning ahead isn’t about expecting the worst or deciding every detail of your own celebration. It’s about making sure the people you love don’t have to guess about the things that matter to you.

Families often find themselves asking questions they never thought to ask when they had the chance. Would she have wanted something traditional or something more relaxed? Would he have wanted everyone dressed up, or would he have thought that was ridiculous? Should we have it at the church, his favorite restaurant, or the lake where he spent every summer weekend? What music should we play? What food should we serve? Who should speak?

There may not be one right answer to any of those questions, but it can be incredibly reassuring to know what the person you’re celebrating actually wanted.

That doesn’t mean you need to plan the entire day. Start by writing down the things that are important to you. Maybe there is a song you absolutely want played, a favorite bottle of wine you want everyone to share, or a place where you hope everyone will gather. You might have a favorite flower, a recipe that has been part of your family for years, or something you own that you would love to see incorporated into the day. Write it down. Tell people why it matters to you, too. The story behind the choice is often more meaningful than the choice itself.

You can also leave something of yourself behind.

Write messages for the people you love and let them know when you hope they’ll read them. It might be a letter for a grandchild to open on their wedding day, a note for a difficult day when someone needs encouragement, or simply a message that says, “If you’re missing me today, read this.” They don’t all have to be tied to milestones. Sometimes the best message is the one that arrives on an ordinary Tuesday when someone needs it most.

You could also record a video to be played at your celebration. It doesn’t need to be polished or professionally produced. Imagine how extraordinary it could be for the people gathered together to hear your voice, see your face, listen to you tell a favorite story, or even laugh with you one more time. You could thank them for coming, tell them what they have meant to you, give them permission to laugh and celebrate, or leave them with something you want them to remember.

And then there are the practical things. Write down what you want included in the day. Not just legal documents or funeral arrangements, but the personal things no one else would necessarily know. The music. The food. The stories. The traditions. The people you want involved. The things you definitely do not want. If there is something that would make you say, “You’d better have that at my celebration,” make sure someone knows about it.

Planning ahead is often treated as paperwork, and of course some of it is. But there is another kind of planning that has very little to do with documents and everything to do with the people you leave behind.

It’s giving them your voice when they’re wishing they could hear it. It’s giving them a message when they need you. It’s giving them the stories behind the things you loved. And when the time comes to gather everyone together, it’s giving them the confidence to create a day that feels like you.

That is a pretty remarkable gift to leave behind.